The Road to Motherhood
Self-love is not only about how we talk to ourselves, how we care for ourselves, and the nice things we do for ourselves. All of these matter and contribute to self-love. But, as Atena Boca writes in her bestselling Romanian book:
“Our inner peace, that we all long for, will come only when we learn to accept those parts of us that we reject.”
This is the biggest lesson I am currently learning. As I experience my first pregnancy and embody my new role as a wife to my life partner, I find myself more and more in need of escape. I have moments when I need to feel myself again — the woman who is thriving, exploring, and experiencing. And that feels selfish.
The part of me that I have been rejecting the most is the one who can put herself first and enjoy moments of self-serving without labeling those as inconsiderate, careless, or thoughtless. My whole life I have strived to be there for others, to help and pour into the lives of others, a beautiful inheritance from my grandmother and mother. Those abilities have helped me experience some of the most satisfying moments of my life. However, those are not the only parts within myself.
This week, I had moments of spontaneity that felt liberating and authentic. I had moments when I escaped and didn’t look back, despite what came my way. And somehow, it was my pregnancy that brought me to a place where I could even try this — and reminded me of this big lesson:
We are not defined by our actions. A moment of selfishness doesn’t make me a SELFISH person. So why would I identify myself with that?
How freeing is this lesson to me? How liberating is this? Maybe even more than I realised at first.
As if wearing a superpower cape since becoming pregnant, I have stopped worrying about what others think of me. Spending 30+ years worrying about the impression I make, the outcome of my actions, and feeling responsible for every step of the way has been a burden at times.
This baby, this new role, this new body — they have given me the freedom to choose what kind of MOMENTS I want to have in these last months before fully embodying motherhood. And I choose to explore as many types of moments, instead of feeling guilty and attaching to different identities. Those were for me:
Moments of selfishness when I put myself first and feel authentic and aligned
Moments of anger when I express tension stored (for too long) in my body
Moments of forgiveness for not showing up as a good friend
Moments of delight when I let myself be held and nothing else matters for a second
Moments of creativity when I explore my wildest desires
Moments of vulnerability when I take risks and let myself be seen
Moments of pure joy when I interact with my baby boy and wear the biggest smile on my face
Through this journey, I am learning that self-love is about embracing all of me — the light and the shadow, the giving and the taking, the calm and the storm. And maybe, just maybe, this is the greatest preparation for motherhood: to meet myself fully, so I can meet my child with the same love and acceptance.
